All It Takes Is One Sip….

We’ve all said it to ourselves at one point or another, “Sure, I’ll go out for a drink, but I’m only going to have one and thats it…”. Nine times out of ten, this statement was a bold faced lie and I failed to have only one every single time. I would sit down, order my cocktail, have that first sip and already be thinking about ordering my next one. I knew this would happen prior to going out, so why did I put myself through this?

I craved the social party atmosphere and once I had a taste of it, I chased after it. One drink would always lead to shots, and that would always lead to more drinks. Before I knew it, we would be in some vip booth with bottle service and in need of blow. When 3am hit and last call was finally done, there was always someone willing to have an after party.

There were many occasions where I ended up at some penthouse party with a group of friends, where the alcohol was flowing and there was copious amounts of drugs. These parties would go until the sun came up and sometimes even longer. If I didn’t have to work that day, I had no problem staying until the alcohol and drugs eventually ran dry. At this point, my friends and I would say it was finally time to go home and crash. Why did I allow myself to party like that? This wasn’t just an after party until 4am, this was an afterparty until 1pm the following day. What was I thinking!?

Here’s the difference between other people and me…

A “normie” would be able to go out for a drink or mayyyybe two with friends, pay the bill, and head home to bed. All before 10pm! I will go out, damn well knowing, that one drink means a big night out. I will do everything in my power to have it not turn into an all nighter, but something takes ahold of me and I never want the party to end. I would set alarms in attempt to give myself a curfew, but I would just reset it again for an hour later. I made so many excuses as to why I deserved this night out or why I needed that line of blow. I loved the way I felt while I was in that drunken, high state and everyone around me was having so much fun as well so I didn’t want to leave.

When I did leave and go home, the come down was real and the depression compounded. I would text with friends who were also in the same state of mind that I was in and we would attempt to talk each other out of our anxiety ridden state. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn’t help at all. Those times were the hardest because I would cry alone in my bed and many times came so close to calling my Mom or Aunt to cry out for help. Eventually, I would cry myself to sleep and wake up a few hours later feeling numb, but relieved I didn’t make any phone calls in the emotional state I was in previously. And then after spending a day in hiding, hungover and depressed, I would wake back up and feel like I could conquer the world again and go out for a drink with a friend. And we all know where that leads…

So when people ask me, “Why can’t you just have one!?” or now that I’m in recovery, “Do you think you will ever be able to just have one and enjoy it?”. The answer is No.

People have said, “So it was that bad eh?” The answer is Yes. There is no in between for me, there will never be and that is something I have come to terms with. I relapsed many years ago and I used the excuse that I had learned enough about addiction that I could control myself and I would always be aware of my addictive tendencies and if they ever got out of control I would take a break from drinking for awhile. I was fooling myself if I thought that control was possible in addiction.

I look at people around me who are capable of having a couple drinks and I wish I had that capability. Recently, I had someone tell me that they wish they had the tolerance for alcohol like I did and that they could drink more than 2. It was right then that I realized we were wishing for the exact opposite and I told her that she was lucky. I wish I knew how it felt to not want another drink after my first one.

Not everyone will understand why I can’t have just one. I’m sure they will have an opinion about it, but the only opinion that matters is my own. I am a much better person and probably way more enjoyable to be around now that I don’t drink.

It’s important for me to remember that one drink leads me down a path of destruction and that life no longer serves me. So it’ll be a NO for me… :)