Nobody Knows The Real Alexis, Not Even Me.
Since the day I was born, I’m pretty sure I’ve always been a perfectionist. I’ve always put a smile on my face no matter what was truly going on behind it. I would put everyone else’s needs before my own and I cared way too much about what others thought of me. I grew up within an industry where the customer was always right; where it was my job to go above and beyond for the guest but most importantly, I was told to leave my problems at the door, put a smile on my face and do my job. I spent my entire adult life up until this point putting on a flawless public facade which was only masking my private despair.
When I look back on my teenage self and when I had my first drink, I remember a young girl just wanting to fit in with the cool crowd, needing to be accepted. I don’t remember exactly if I enjoyed that first sip of alcohol but I do remember feeling like I was able to let my guard down and that was enough to make me want more. Drinking wasn’t an every day thing back then, more like every other weekend when some senior threw a party. Everyone around me was smoking weed and popping ecstasy, but I just stuck to drinking coolers or shooting vodka. I thought I was making the responsible decision by saying ‘No’ to the drugs, but I could justify the underage drinking. Everyone’s doing it, so it can’t be that bad. After all, this is what you do in high school, right?
Fast forward to graduation, this is when fake IDs became a thing in my world. My high school best friend and I began going to clubs while underage and I was introduced to a world that I was instantly attracted to. I got attention from guys, free drinks from bartenders, and for a moment, I got to pretend I was someone else. The more vodka slimes and superman shots I had (clearly an 18year old’s palette haha), the easier it was to talk to guys and dance around. I associated alcohol with all of the fun times I was having, so I kept drinking to keep that up.
When I finally turned 19 and was legal (I’m Canadian), I got my very first serving job. Here I was again, in a new environment where I wanted to be sure I was liked by everyone. When you’re new, you’re usually cut first and you stick around and sit at the bar to try cocktails on the menu. As other servers are cut, they join you and this becomes a bonding experience between you and the new team you work with. After work drinks turned into power hour at the local nightclub and that went from 0-100 REAL quick. Messy hook-ups with co-workers, drunken fights with friends, and vomiting in the public washroom are all common occurrences on nights like this. All of this may seem normal to others and a right of passage in the early years but for someone with addictive tendencies, this was a death trap.
As the years went on, the negative self talk and feelings compounded. No matter what I did, that feeling of needing to be accepted and loved never went away; it only grew more apparent. I wanted to be the popular one, the one everyone knew and really liked to hang out with. To keep up with the persona they thought they knew, I drank to lighten up and become more confident. If I was in pain, I’d make sure no one knew it because who would want to hang out with the sad depressed girl? I sure as hell didn’t want to. So bring on the shots of tequila and bottles of wine to disguise the real pain I was feeling inside.
Over time, people started to notice that if they made plans to meet up for one drink, it always ended up turning into a crazy night out. I was always up for a good time and didn’t want to stop after just one drink. Everyone would always end up back at mine for an after party supplied by a fully stocked bar cart. We would gather around a plate filled with lines, play drinking games with copious amounts of shots, and sing our hearts out to all of our favourite songs. It was always a fun time and I never wanted the fun to end. When the sun began to rise that usually meant they would leave and reality would hit. I’m all alone.
The version of myself that I chose to show to the world was a massive front. When the party came to an end, I was left to deal with my demons. The reality is, if I wasn’t around people, I was constantly in a very dark place. I spent a lot of time crying uncontrollably, speaking to myself in the worst possible ways, and isolating from the most important people in my life. I was ashamed of my choices, broken from years of negative self-talk, and beyond frustrated with myself and my addiction.
The girl I showed the world was what I thought everyone else wanted to see. I have always been a people pleaser and didn’t realize how much that affected my mental health and fed my addiction. While spending so much time caring about what others thought, I lost myself along the way. I have spent the last 15 years pretending and now that I’ve gotten sober and realized this, I have no idea who I am, what I love, or what I’m passionate about. All I know is what I don’t like and who I don’t want to be anymore. This is almost like a fresh slate and I get to rediscover/reinvent myself. It’s time to figure out who the real Alexis is. I think I’m gonna like her. :)
