Returning To The Scene of the Crime: Sober Edition

It had been 588 days since I got on a plane and left the city I had once called Home. I had left this city because I was in a very bad state mentally, emotionally, and physically. I knew it was what I needed to do in order to save myself.

I didn’t know then what that exactly meant, and by no means did I think getting sober was what I needed to do. I thought by making the choice to take myself out of an environment that was fuelling my unhealthy lifestyle, I would magically be able to change altogether. I thought the next time I returned back to Toronto for a visit, it would be a bender where I celebrated reuniting with all of my friends that I missed so much. As if nothing had changed… but living through a pandemic changes a person and lucky for me, I’d like to think I changed for the better.

I was really missing my best friends back in Toronto and I knew how much my bff truly needed a good surprise in his life, so I thought, ‘Its time… I need to book a trip to surprise him, We both need this’. I booked it without having a single worry. I knew this was going to be my first time back in Toronto since getting sober and I really hadn’t even had much experience being back around any sort of bar environment since getting sober. I really didn’t give it much thought at first because seeing the look on my friends faces trumped any nervousness I had.

Just before my trip, I celebrated 9 months sober. People asked me, “aren’t you worried about going back into that scene now that you’re sober? Do you think you’ll want to have a drink?” I confidently said, “No I’m not worried, I feel strong enough to go and will be distracted by seeing so many faces I have missed so much”.

It was the week of the trip, when I started to have a little anxiety in regards to the upcoming weekend. I wondered if I was as strong as I thought? Would I be able to be around people who were constantly drinking? Would I be triggered by any of my old venues and how would I feel being back inside them now? Would people just send over shots or drinks when they saw me? What would people think who didn’t already know I no longer partied? I didn’t have the answers to any of my questions, I only knew that I was happier than I had ever been and I had to hold onto that feeling while I was facing my fears and going back to the scene of the crime, where it all went down.

This weekend, I was tackling a lot of “sober firsts” and I was doing many of them solo. I was the Queen of getting to the airport early and having wine before my flight, at least 2 9oz glasses before boarding my flight to be exact. I would then drink wine on the plane because in my mind, “I’m on vacation, why not”. Well this was my first time back in an airport and on a plane since leaving Toronto 588 days prior. I have to say, I didn’t think about those glasses of wine once, they weren’t missed at all.

Landing in Toronto brought a rush of excitement throughout my entire body, the thrill of the surprise later in the day kept me going. I was happy to be back and realize that this city still felt like home. Seeing the CN tower brought a huge smile to my face and it truly felt like I had never left. As I checked into the hotel and relaxed a bit prior to the BIG Reveal.. the thought of pre drinks while getting ready crossed my mind. It was something I hadn’t really thought about but being in a hotel room in a city that once used to be a nonstop party, I guess it makes sense that my mind for a hot second thought ‘I should go pick up something to drink’. Instead, I mixed an Arbonne Energy Fizz into some sparkling water and blasted some music while I got all dolled up. That did the trick.

Fast forward to the big surprise… which went SO amazingly. It was time to have dinner with a group of friends I hadn’t seen in so long. Some people knew I was sober but others didn’t and I had prepped myself that I would be asked all about what I’ve been up to and most people would assume the same Lex would be there drinking and ready for a good time. Some people who I didn’t keep in touch with over the last year and a half thought my sobriety was only a health thing during covid and that I would let loose while back visiting on vacation. They didn’t realize the extent of my addiction and that I was suffering with it the entire time they knew me. I had no problem being open and honest to what ever questions people had. Everyone seemed to be impressed with my journey, which was a huge relief since most people dread the “why can’t you just have one” question.

After dinner, I walked over to my old venues to surprise everyone as well and I must admit, this time I had anxiety going over there only because that place brought back many dark memories of the old me. Walking in and seeing the shocked faces and tears from friends/co workers made all of that anxiety go away for a brief moment. I was more focused on seeing their faces and hugging them for an extended period of time.

The smell of tequila and the vibe of the room instantly brought me back 2 yrs…. cue the ANXIETY lol. But what I realized was that it wasn’t the people drinking around me that did it (and i mean, the smell of tequila surely I could have done without).

It was the look of my old GMs face walking around, the stressed out servers who had probably had a few drinks already, and seeing managers run around on the floor getting shit done. That brought me right back and I was instantly reminded of the mental state I once was in. Luckily I was surrounded by people who support my new journey and praised me for how good I was doing because of it. They reminded me of how far I had come and how much I had accomplished since leaving this place.

This weekend was filled with lots of moments where I could have taken the opportunity to drink but there wasn’t one moment where I looked at the people drinking around me and felt jealous. I was probably THE MOST hydrated girl in Toronto that weekend haha but I’d much rather be that versus the most hungover girl in Toronto. If I ever had a triggering moment, it wasn’t the alcohol around me, it was the environment/venues that brought back memories of old times. People close to me snapped me out of any funk I may have been feeling for a split second and had me laughing once again in no time.

Throughout this trip, I took moments to myself in the mornings, to reflect, check in and keep myself on track. I started each morning with a quick podcast or just a peaceful walk on the lakeshore.

I needed to feel grounded while also getting to appreciate the beauty that Toronto had to offer. It’s these little things that I never truly appreciated or did during my time living there. I saw Toronto in a different light, just like many people were now getting to see me in a different light.

I organized this trip solely thinking of my best friend and I didn’t even realize how much I actually needed this trip. I proved to myself that I really didn’t need alcohol to have fun. I could still be in the same environment with a redbull or soda in hand and laugh and enjoy everyone’s company. I made sure to surround myself with nothing but supportive and amazing friends, which made everything that much easier. The amount of sweet things people said to me about how happy I looked or that I was glowing just reconfirmed for me that I truly am on the right path. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t make some of those tough choices 9+ months ago. I almost wish I had made the decision earlier but timing is everything and I’m just happy I made the decision at all.

This trip meant a great deal to me because I was able to return to a city that I was once so broken in and get to rewrite the story with this upgraded version of myself. Everything feels like it’s falling into place and I count my blessings every single day. I am one lucky girl and thankful to have such a strong support system.

Here’s to the next sober vacation ;)

xoxo