Unpacking: The words you speak become the house you live in.
I sit here today reaching 4 years sober, about to take on my 5th and I can’t help but remember where I was 4 years ago today. They’re not wrong when the say its a journey and to seriously take it one day at a time. Throughout the last 4 years, when telling my story I have always said “my life prior to being sober was a lot of fun.. until it wasn’t”. I will never say I regret the life I lived pre sobriety because it gave me friendships that will last a lifetime and life experiences that you can’t teach. It’s those experiences combined with the knowledge and confidence I have gained while living a sober life that allows me to accomplish what I have in my life to date.
This past year, like every year, has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I have to admit, I probably held in more than I shared. So where do I begin… ?
365 days ago I was in the thick of working insane amounts of overtime, trying my best to save thousands and thousands of dollars towards a down payment for my very first home of my own. I made a decision 2 years ago to cut out majority of my social life so that I could maintain my insane work schedule and still rest. I looked at it as a short term loss for a long term gain. Like sobriety, if I put my mind towards anything and set a goal, I will make sure I achieve it. But while I was able to survive the months on end of over working, it definitely took its toll. The isolation and exhaustion lead to an overworking mind and I couldn’t help but let the negative talk creep up and take over.
That not so little negative voice inside your head has a way of taking over when you’re in a lonely place. You spend more time focusing on the ‘what if’s’ and being so hard on yourself for the things you feel like you haven’t accomplished instead of focusing on all of the things that you have. I found myself resenting people in my life who had the things I had always hoped for and have not yet been able to experience. I would leave family gatherings secretly in tears and I never understood why at the time. It’s hard not to blame yourself and your addictive personality for the way things have turned out. You start playing the what if game with yourself. What if I met my person while I was in active addiction .. What if I missed my chance because I was too focused on where I could get my next drink and bag of cocaine. I started to blame myself for why I wasn’t married with kids by now. I spent majority of my 20’s and 30’s trying to keep the party going, avoiding my past traumas and compounding new traumas that later on I would eventually have to meet head on to heal.
Whether I’m living in active addiction or living a sober lifestyle, the dark side of the addictive mind will always be there trying to bring me back to that dark place and to tempt be into that first drink. The isolation ended up shifting my focus to what I didn’t have because of my addiction and if I wasn’t as strong as I am now it would have been really easy to slip back into my old habits and drown out that negative noise.
As the goal of buying a home was close to becoming my reality, dwelling on the past and the ‘what ifs’ were no longer in the forefront of my mind. I was about to achieve what I had been working so hard for and I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t married yet, that I hadn’t become a mother yet. The hard work was paying off and I was going to be able to purchase an apartment that ticked off every single box on my wish list. I was able to say that I did this for myself. This was something I used to only daydream about. 10 years ago I didn’t think it would be possible for me to become a homeowner. I was living paycheque to paycheque, struggling to get by, no savings in the bank and look at all that I had accomplished in the last 4 years. As I sat in my lawyers office, staring out from the 15th floor windows, signing all of these documents, all I could think was Wow I actually did it. A true pinch me moment.
Possession day approached quickly and I found myself unpacking my entire life that I brought home from Toronto 5 years ago. This felt like a lifetime ago and I was both nervous and excited to go through the boxes that held all the memories from my past life. What I didn’t realize was how therapeutic unpacking the contents of these boxes would truly be. I was unpacking my past into my present and some of these things would hold great meaning while others would bring me right back to those dark moments inside my old apartment. It’s crazy how the most basic items such as my side plates, cookbooks, and art can trigger all these memories. Flashbacks of endless hours spent sitting in a group passing that side plate filled with drugs back and forth while we continued to play drinking games and have what we thought we’re deep emotional conversations until way past sunrise. The cookbooks that are all surrounding cooking or baking with alcohol. Pieces of art that made up my gallery wall that say ‘you’re not drinking alone if your dog is with you’ and signs saying ‘happy hour is my happiest hour’. What feels like a lifetime ago suddenly feels like it was yesterday. How could I not see that my life surrounded around alcohol?
I had saved a few boxes for the end and I knew I needed to unpack these alone because it was going to bring up the most feelings and memories. These boxes contained all of my bar cart crystal glassware, bar tools, decanters, and endless amounts of shot glasses. This used to be the heart of my previous apartment. It sat right next to that table where we sat passing that side plate around so that we could easily reach for the next bottle to continue taking shots. As I unwrapped each piece of crystal with careful hands the memories of hosting parties, making speciality cocktails for the group instead of the classic vodka soda’s flooded my mind. I had reservations about keeping my bar cart and all of its contents but I had spent time curating this collection. While I did end up discarding and donating the copious amount of shot glasses, I decided to keep the majority of the fancy glassware. If this was year one of my journey in sobriety, I would have 100% gotten rid of everything because the memories would have still been very raw. Thankfully this was in year four when I finally faced that part of my past. I am able to look at that perfectly curated bar cart and rebrand it. Who says I can’t have a mocktail cart and who says I can’t have my poppi’s and flavoured soda waters in those ‘wine’ glasses and fancy crystal.
As I settle into my new home, new life, truly alone in my space again I realize this is my first time living alone since becoming sober. I spent the last four years surrounded my family and throwing myself in work when I was not with them. As I venture into this next stage of my life, I hope I don’t let the lonely moments overshadow all of the blissful moments. I have spent the last 4 years creating a beautiful life that I’m grateful for so it only makes sense that now I am wanting to create a beautiful home that I love coming home to. A home in which I will still love to host and entertain people, but now it will consist of lavish meals on some updated beautiful dinnerware instead of those side plates.
Life is what you make of it and I wasn’t living up to my full potential prior to October 24th 2020. I can’t wait to see what Year Five has in store and I will be sure to remind myself when those dark thoughts come creeping in, The words you speak become the house you live in and I’m focused on creating a calm beautiful happy house.
xoxo
