I Never Realized I Was Addicted, Until I Tried To Stop.
When I was in the thick of my addiction, it was a lifestyle. I was part of an industry where the number of nights and amount I was drinking was the norm. Everyone around me drank and did copious amounts of drugs so I didn’t question it. I often thought to myself, “Once I leave this industry or get into a relationship, I’ll settle down and stop partying so much”. Clearly that was the lie I kept telling myself to justify why I was partying so much. I knew if I continued to stay in this environment, I would always be tempted to drink and drinking always led to drugs, which then always led to all nighters.
Looking back on it now, I can see how unhealthy my lifestyle was. I knew that if I continued down this path, this lifestyle would be the death of me. I made a decision to leave the industry because thats the only way I knew I could break the cycle. I thought by leaving the industry and moving back to my hometown, my partying ways would disappear. The temptation would be gone and I would settle down. But that’s not how addiction works, an addict will always find ways to feed their addiction.
When I left Toronto, I was a shell of a human. I was so burnt out and I had nothing left to give at that point. So for the first couple months all I did was rest and spend time with family. I thought this was all I needed, a little pause from reality, and then life could resume. I thought I had it all figured out. If I quit my career within the hospitality industry, moved from the big city back to my hometown, and left all of the temptation, everything should be fine, right?
I thought that if I eliminated these things out of my life, I wouldn’t feel the need to drink so much. Here’s the problem, you may be able to take the girl out of the industry, but you can’t take the industry out of the girl. My addiction needed to be fed so naturally I found friends who also loved to party as much as me. I realized I would always find a way to facilitate my partying needs.
When it came time to finally admit there was a problem and face the truth, it was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. It’s not something you can just switch off inside your brain. Every day my mind was flooded with flashbacks, drinking memories and non stop cravings for a drink. I dreamt of alcohol every single night for the first month. It was a constant battle with myself to stay strong and not have a drink. These thoughts haven’t disappeared but they aren’t as persistent as they were in the very beginning. Overtime I hope they become less frequent and until then I’m just taking it one day at a time.
